i'd rather be stupid

i'd rather be stupid because that way nobody would expect me to be billiant and to get a scholarship fpr millions and millions of dollars.. nobody would expect me to take care of my whole family and still be lectured about how stupid i am for wasting all my precious potential. I sometimes wish i could just kill mysel and get this all over with. I wish I could stop being suh a grown up and be a reckless teenager like everybody my age. i wish my future and my fat body would be my business and not everybody's. They keep asking what i want, but they don't really want to know. they only care for e to stop being such a waste of their money. they don't care that i take care of my dying mother with bad mood or my stupid sister with no judgement. I don't have any authority, but this summer, when I learn to drive i will become a slave of my obligations as the responsible adult i will become on august 1st. i don't want to drive. i dont want a fucking scholarship. i don't want to take care of my family. i want my mom to take care of me. i want her to trust me to go to a fucking trip without any parents. i'm a good person. i'm a good daughter, but i can't be everything. I can0t be a good student AND a good mother all at once. and i'm noit supposed to be. i'm supposed to have a bright future, but right now i lok up and i see the drkest clouds that ever existed. I look around me and everything's gray. i have exactly one shoulder to cry on, and i don't wan to to abuse it. i'm screwed for this semester. i'm probably screwing up my whole future as we speak or as i write. whatever. i mean the date to introduce the scholarship pares is already due. i just don't know what to do right now...

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