i'd rather be stupid

i'd rather be stupid because that way nobody would expect me to be billiant and to get a scholarship fpr millions and millions of dollars.. nobody would expect me to take care of my whole family and still be lectured about how stupid i am for wasting all my precious potential. I sometimes wish i could just kill mysel and get this all over with. I wish I could stop being suh a grown up and be a reckless teenager like everybody my age. i wish my future and my fat body would be my business and not everybody's. They keep asking what i want, but they don't really want to know. they only care for e to stop being such a waste of their money. they don't care that i take care of my dying mother with bad mood or my stupid sister with no judgement. I don't have any authority, but this summer, when I learn to drive i will become a slave of my obligations as the responsible adult i will become on august 1st. i don't want to drive. i dont want a fucking scholarship. i don't want to take care of my family. i want my mom to take care of me. i want her to trust me to go to a fucking trip without any parents. i'm a good person. i'm a good daughter, but i can't be everything. I can0t be a good student AND a good mother all at once. and i'm noit supposed to be. i'm supposed to have a bright future, but right now i lok up and i see the drkest clouds that ever existed. I look around me and everything's gray. i have exactly one shoulder to cry on, and i don't wan to to abuse it. i'm screwed for this semester. i'm probably screwing up my whole future as we speak or as i write. whatever. i mean the date to introduce the scholarship pares is already due. i just don't know what to do right now...

Listening to:
Talk to:
Thinking about:

It's been a while, but here I am again, with a whole lot to talk about.

First off, before vacations there was Pepe's birthday on Saturday. His parents decided to celebrate him that same day, so we had to go out the day before. On Friday, we went to the movies and saw the Ring 2. I was a little scared, but not really. The thing about the movie is, as it is in all movies, the music, and that Samara appeared more often. Before the movie we had this long talk in a coffee shop about our futures and how we could turn our screwed up lives into something we could actually live with. I have already chosen what my major will be, Economics.

He still doesn't know, but it's ok, because he's not going to graduate this semester anyway. He didin't flunk actually, but his parents decided he should quit school a semester and work to see if he put in more efforts.

Anyway, he said that he wanted to be either a writer and a teacher, but he could be none because he wouldn't earn enough for... me? I was a little bit shocked. I know we are planning on getting married somewhere down the road, and I would love if he makes a lot of money, but I don't want him to be miserable for the rest of his life because he has to give me money, and that's what I said. I said that I'd be okay if I was to be the only income to the family-to-be... He said he couldn't and I said it was such a macho attitude. He said I was right, but he still wouldn't allow that.

We continued talking about him writting and teaching, and he said he was truly happy when he did both things. He explained to me how he writes and all the things that go through his head. I fall more and more in love with him every single day I talk to him. He also continues to surprise me every single day. He talked about what inspired him and how it had changed through the years, how being happy made a lot less sense before and now it is all different because of me. The absolute cutest of the whole speech was that I actually believed him and felt exactly the same. We were at the Italian's for like 2 hours and I was enjoying every single moment.

After the movie we went for dinner at Genoma. Food was very very good, and it wasn't as expensive as I would've expected. The food is sort of weird when you read it, bit it turns out great. That is the twist to the restaurant, an interesting and delicious mix.

Friday could be described as perfect.

Then came saturday(haha big surprise there), in which I brought his present. I went to Plaza Fiesta with my sister and bougth some dress shirts (pink, black and sea green) and a wallet, because he has been complaining about his a lot. I had already given him a pink tie, so I had to look for someting to go with it.

After that I made a cake. I had forgotten to mention that about saturday. I tried to do a cake but is got stuck into the thingy. The one I made on saturday was perfect, it tasted great and looked extremely cute.

That day, my mom dropped me off at his house with the cake and the presents. We "watched some movies" upstairs and then we went back downstairs to finish preparing everything for the barbeque that night. The food was not that good. The meat had a lot of fat and nerves and other parts I don0t normally eat, and they had nothing but the actual meat, which I think is weird for a babrbeque, because it is important, right, but so are the frijoles charros and other side dishes.

We sat with Pepe's cousin and her husband and a kid that's entering high school. The conversation was very fun, but it could be better, if only Pepe hadn0t told me in New Year's that his cousind hates me. Oh well...


More on my vacations later... I'll upload to my flog and be on ly way.

Listening to: Matador- Los fablosos cadillacs
Talk to: Joe
Thinking about: nothing at all...

I am now supposed to be part of the Partido Verde Ecologista de Mexico...

We are having a sorto of MUN, but instead of UN, we are going to simulate we are the national congress and I am stuck with a stupid party.. I didn't get the worst one, but I still don't like it. The only alternative I would've liked would've been PAN, but we do our best with what we have, right? Especially when it's worth 15% of the final grade of a subject you got a 63 on February...
However, I do think that I will get a better grade this partial because I am starting to be more into the class. I believe that mexican politics is shit, but I know a little about it. I have a lot sources to know about it, but I had never really noticed it. Today we had a disscussion about a lot of things, including poverty and about the salaries of our legislators, and I think I kicked ass... I left with a lot more respect than the one I had when I got in.

Ok, now time for today's adventure. It wasn't that fun, but it was definately adventurous. I went downtown with Marisol in the bus to eat and was late to go back to the prepa to the meeting about the parties thingy I was writting about. We planned the whole story aout how she got really sick and was not able to get home by herself, and I toolk her and I don't know how to ride a bus so it was difficult for me and such. I went back to school by myself and she left for her home... I ran like 3 blocks from the bus stop and realized I need to excersise mor eoften...

I don't think I have anything else to say.... not now anyways.. see you later!!

Listening to: straylight run... I seem to looove them lately
Talking to: my dearest darlingest boyfriend, Pepe
Thinking about: his birthday gift.

:(

I won't see Pepe today because he is hungover...

Update march 16:
Ok, so Pepe wasn't really hungover... he was kinda having a fight with his parents, and he hadnt told me for some odd reason...

Friday was an amazing day. I woke up late, I took my time getting ready, prepared my clothes for staying over at Kim's and went to school. I did nothing at school for like an hour and then Pepe came over because he was at the gym with Fausto, who happens to live right next to my school. We talked for a while and disscused the posibility of him being able to go home late and go to Kim's party, and if not, we could still see each other after my ceneval. Then he left and I had to look for a dumb calculator, also known as a calculator that is not cientific. I couldn't find one anywhere, so Kim and I went to office max to buy one for each of us. We got the last 2.

It was like 2:30 exactly when we arrived and we both had to pee. Luckily the whole be-there-at-2 :30-or-you-won't-have-time threat was not true. I had a lot of time to spare for the test. The time limit was supposed to be at 6:30, but I finished before 5. I waited like 10 minutes to not b the first one to hand in my test.

After that I saw Lalo. He was the very first person I saw, so I said hi while I called Pepe for him to pick me up. We complained about the test and then I saw that there were people in the habitat. Silly me to think that I had finished before most of my dearest darlingest IB freinds. We complaned some more, and I figured out that I had done pretty well. Everyone else was a lot more confused then me and had a lot more doubts. I felt pretty confident all the way through the exam and after it too.

Then Pepe picked me up and we went to get something to eat,because I was starving. We went to plaza fiesta. I ate a subway, and since we had nothing better to do for many hours, we saw the movie RObots. I didn't really like the movie. It was one of those movies that is for kids and kids ONLY. It's cute and all, but really dull.

Aftyer that Kim called me and asked me to buy some vodka and tequila and we went to soriana. I also had to buy pantiliners because I had an emergency. I hate it whrn that happens.

We did a quick pit stop in the ladies room and we went to Kim's house. She wasn't there yet 'cause they were buying stuff. So Pepe and I had the whole downstairs to ourselves for 10 minutes or so, when some of the metalheads arrived. Kim wasn0t home yet, so her mom asked me to recieve them instead. Another 10 minutes or so passed and Kim arrived with Luciana, Manuel, RUben, and Rulo.

More people started to arrive and the kitchen was getting crowded and Pepe's leg hurt, so we went to the living room and sit down there. It was like the highlight defiantely, because it was like the cutest conversation ever. We started talking about how awful my spanish is and how I hate Mexico, which is so not true. I was debating that I love mexico just hate the language, i even believe in mexican politics. We talked about politics forever, but then it got better. We got all lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy.

After that we rejoined in the balcony. We had some laughs, like we always do.
Pepe had to be home early ecause he had his own party to throw on staurday. I stayed. I fought with davidsin because he was being a royal pain in the behind. but he got better eventually.

Guga went. Kim got bad. Way bad. Her mom asked her to tell everyone to leave, and the girls that were going to stay over dicided it wasn't a good isea to do so, so i called my mom and told her i'd be home later, because Tere would give me a ride. I arrived home and told my mom everything.

I was very worried abut kim. She got really bad. Ahe was falling over and repeating she was all right. She was telling us somethign about how life is like a slot machine, and it kind of made sense. But still, she was bad. We made her go to bed and started telling people to leave. The metalheads were a little reluctant, as drunk people ought to be, and then I was home, in my bed.


Listening to: straylight run/annyversary/adolescents
Thinking about: drinking is baaad.

sorry if the post makes very little sense... love makes me crazy soemtimes...

I hope that everybody that reads this (if anybody reads it at all) has the opportunity of being in love once in their life.

I am soooo in love right now. I just decided to write this because I was going to write about my day yesterday, and how perfect it was.

At school, everything passed like it always does. After school, though, Pepe picked me up and we went to lunch with his mom. I was nervous. After a year and 2 months she still makes me nervous, but I guess it is just the fact that I want her to like me so much.

Oh well... after that we went to his house and did homework and some other stuff. it was just a very perfect afternoon. I was happy every single second I was with him and I could not let go of him when he brought me back to my house.

It's like every time he says he loves me is like the very first time and I can't think of anything but him. It is the same when I say that I love him. He just smiles so wide that i can't help it but think that this will always be the way we will live. I ust want to be with him 24/7. Iwant to marry him and move in with him but we're only 17, so that sucks... but oh well... we will eventually...

I can't wait!!

riiiight

Getting to write usually is very difficult once you lose the motion and the urge to post about everything and anything. The last part is defiantely the worse. I used to have another blg and I used to be OBSSESED with it and wrote just about everything that came into my mind. I got upset if nobody visited the site in a day and then if less than 5 people came in and so on...

Now I can't even post once in like a month.

Well, I amposting now and I will post large, to make it worth it.

I'll start the tale of my life since the last itme I posted with what happened today.

Today I was an Irresponsable person.
I think irresponsible doesn't even begin to cover it. Today I was supposed to have 5 classes plus an extra course that is support for the mexican SAT. It is called ceneval. Learn it because I will probably mention it a lot, especially since i have to take it tomorrow.

Anyways, I went to school, to my first class, which is an hour and a half long. It was borning and it made me realize how much is unknown to me about ancient history, part of the reason I'm failing ceneval. Right so after that class I had another hour and a half free, Which I spent in the Model UN stand we organized to convince people to go to our model. Afyter that, I was supposed to go to math, but I knew we'd have ceneval practice. I don't need the practice in math, though, so I didn't go. Then I had professional orientation (that's a class for choosing a carreer, not psych council or anything), but there was nobody to leave the stand with and I needed to give the money to somebody. I gave it to Sorelly, but just as I was about to go a kid came and paid with a $200 bill, and I needed his change so I had to chase Sor to get the money.

By that time it was already too late to go to class so I didn't go. That's 2 absences already today. Then I had Administration and I skipped it to go to Carlos's house to play n64.

When we got back, we played a little bullshit and went to class. During entrepreneurial spirit (yes, I know it is a lame name for a class) I had a total attack of un-cafeination. I had only drank a coke until that moment. I am totally addicted to cafeine. i even get headaches and stuff. I almost fell asleep during class and felt terrible all through the hour and a half of class.

then I had ceneval practice, during which we didn't do anything.

After that, I went out and talked to Emi. Talking to her made me feel a little better. Oh, wait. Now I remember what REALLY made me feel better; a coffee from Yambalaya... then my mom picked me up and i came home and ate. and that was my day.

Highlight: at like 8 in the morning, Pepe sent me a message to my cell phone that read: "hola bebe... q te vaya muy bien hoy, cuidate musho"

Aire Frio

I found this lyrics to the song in a fotolog (www.jotelog.cl/weba_)

No suelo contradecir
solo callar
Hay momentos donde el silencio dice mas
en esta conversacion nadie ganara
cambiate de posicion y vuelve..
no basta pedir perdon
Tambien perdonar
no fue facil aceptar que siempre hubi alguien mas
esa vieja cancion
me hace recordar
cambiate de posision y vuelve ya..
aire frio soledad
un abrazo tibio necesito
la raza me regresa amor
para como cuando peliamos sin pensar
que fuiste tan especial
que lastimados con palabras y son
un juego tan sensillo y tan normal
este circulo no acabara..

I think the same phrase I'm stuck on is wrong on this version, because the whole la raza me regresa kinda doesn't make sense. I'd say it is "abrazame regresa amor"

soo...

Well, you remember how I said I had a 51/100 in my math test? My reposrtcard will be showing a 59... that's pretty low... I can get it up, though...

Also, Today Jonathan told me he has a grush on Naville!! I can't believe it. He talks to her because I told him what to do... Make fun of the teachers. Well, now they talk and I'm freaked that he likes her. She is kinda scary, but I like hangging out with her, not too often, though. He is nice when he's not annoying.

Oh well. A very little while ago, Pepe just left me talking by myself in messenger. I have othing interesting to report. I am not in a very chatty mood, and I am hungry...

Listening to: Wicked the Musical- What is this feeling?
Talking to: nobody
Thinking about: my headache...

Avenue Q

A really good friend of mine mentioned a really funny musical called Avenue Q. It is really really funny. It has puppets and actors that control the puppets right on stage and the songs are so damn funny!! you should all download some!! lutsa love.

Listening to: Avenue Q- Everyone's a little bit Racist
Talk to: Emi, still
Thinking about: racism

Flunkin' Turtle...

Ok, so today has been a very crafty day. I realize I have this nervous tic that I absolutely have to be crafty to be ok when I'm upset by any kind of stupid thing that happens. Today I happened to get my math exam back. 51. Not a pretty number when the most you could get was 100, right? Oh well, I will very possibly be ummm above average in the monthly grade. I just hope to be able to lift it up enough to not end with a stupid 70 average. Math is easyy!!! I like math!! wht's wrong with me?! oh well...

Listening to: The Cure- Love Cats
Talk to: Emi
Thinking about: How to lift my grade

Mom Issues

I think my mom is at htat time in her life. She is becoming elderly, and it had to be through my sister's and my own adolescence. My lil sis is only 14 ans she already has to deal with a moody mother... I am 17 and I deal with a moody "authority figure" and actually maintaining the house a little better than a pig-stall.

My mother is 41. She is still a little young to be having this sorto fo changes, but she sure has all the sinthoms. Could also be the Multiple Sclerosis. You never know with this illnesses that deal with the whole body, including the brain and the rest of the nervous system. I know it must be very hard to not be able to control fully a hand and a leg, but still, it is not reason to slack off the rest of your life... She stopped working and I thought it would be for a short time. We had o means of sustaining ourselves... But my grandparents came to the rescue and now we live off them...

Anyway, then I thought she'd be a housewife. Wrong again. She watched tv all day... It is very frustrating to do all the work around here...

nighty night!!

Listening to: The Ataris- Giving up on love
Talk to: nobody
Thinking about: my boyfriend and the test I have tomorrow at 7:30...

Why Turtle?

It's actually pretty simple... it rhymes (sort of) with my name, or an abreviation of it. I really like it though... gave me a faviorite animal from now on... besides felines in general...

Writting nonsense... 11 54pm and nothing to do... not sleepy, even..

how confidential can I get?

When will this little new blog I plan on telling nobody about be finally discovered and/or ratted out by myself? I hope not soon, because lately some thoughts have been avoiding being said, with a very fair reason... I don't think some of the stuff I think needs to be disscussed with anybody.

One of these issues is the matter of sex. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. It seems normal for a 17 year old girl, right? Well, the thing is, I have a boyfriend from over a year now. I am pretty sure I love him, but waht should I do? I really really love him and I'm pretty sure I want to marry him and have his babies. I'm postponing China for him, for God's sake. It all points to the very obvious choice of what the hell, fuck with him, or rather make love with him, NOW...

But there are still the testimonies of so many people. One of my best girl friends lost her virginity (at 18, may I add) to the guy she loves, but they aren't dating anymore, and that was in like October. Also... a good friend of mine said he did it with his girlfriend and they broke up too. He even involves a baby and miscarriage, but I think that part is BS... They are back together though.

I know that if I'm sure i should be fine, and i'm sure, but what if it's all just way to complicated for us to handle? I mean, it can't be much worse than anything we've done, and I'm sure sex is the only thing on the list we haven't done. I'm sure things wouldn't be akward... or at least I hope.



Listening to: Aire Frio/ Elli Noise
Talking to: nobody :(
Thinking about: I think I'll just go for it... when we have a house to ourselves...

Why a turtle needs a diary

Many things have happened since the last time I had a blog. I had one and I really loved it, but I stopped using it, I don't know why. Now I am a totally different person and a new blog only seems fair. I also started this one because I need to start writting again... i need to be able to have someplace to pour my heart out and to be completely honest and not be judged.

Listening to: a Rocky movie my cousin is watching
Talk to: supposedly to gabriel, though i haven't answered cause i'm not in the mood
Thinking about: how my life is sooooo effed up